I was invited to write a letter to myself that will be included into a book with similar letters written by other women. I have edited it as a reflection piece and for clarity after thinking about it over the past few weeks.

Introduction

When I was 19, I was just a few weeks into my fall semester of sophomore year. I was living in an old dorm in Woods Creek with some friends from my freshmen hall as well as another girl I didn’t really know and her emotional support dog. I wasn’t keen on living with a pet since I never had one before (she pooped in my and my roommate’s room, so I wasn’t very excited about living with her the following year…).

I entered university thinking of double majoring in computer science and accounting (CPA track). I had no idea what either profession did or what career paths they had, not to mention the fact that I wasn’t confident in any of my abilities; I didn’t even know what I wanted to do after graduation. I thought, “At least these two paths have a lot of opportunities, so I’ll just see how it goes.”

There was also pressure from my parents: my sister is a successful programmer and my mom liked the sound of having a CPA in the family (well, doctor or lawyer sounded nice too but I definitely can’t handle the stress from these professions, and I didn’t see med/law school in my future anyway). I did consider becoming a dentist at one point, but if it was true that it had the highest suicide rate among the various professions, I would rather not do that…

Academics

I actually didn’t want to go to college. I really enjoyed doing hair and makeup and wanted to become an HMUA. Naturally, my parents said no. “If you really want to, get a college degree, get a job, then go to cosmetology school later when you can pay for it,” they said. This is stating it much nicely though. I felt bad it wasn’t viewed as a “real” job. By “real” I mean respectable. I’ve since lost interest in anything hair and makeup related.

Sophomores had to think seriously about what majors/minors we wanted to pursue because the deadline to declare was the following semester. We’re always told that it’s just a formality and that we have more time to pick what we want to major it, but this is false. If we don’t know what we want to do by that point, the timeline for our classes will not line up and in my case, I wasn’t able to take certain classes. I didn’t like where I was going in my studies, yet I decided to continue because I was naïve.

My first accounting class was terrible. Despite doing the assignments, reading the book, and taking notes, it felt like I was always behind in lecture and on tests. I got a C in that class, which isn’t a big deal to me. I later on heard that it was a weed out class, which worked, and I decided to drop the Accounting major altogether. I enjoyed my CS classes though and really liked my advisor, so I continued that all the way up until graduation.

The turning point for me was taking an art class that semester with one of the best professors I ever had. I went to an art program in elementary and middle school, but it ruined the creative process for me. The program was not nurturing for beginner artists and it felt like the teachers did not want to be there, which meant a lot to a 10 year old. After that, I stopped actively pursuing art because it felt like my work sucked. This professor completely understood the different skill levels of her students and provided feedback based on what we showed her, not of what she expected. 

I loved our art department in general. Everyone there was so wonderful and inspiring. It honestly brings me to tears to think about them and how much I enjoyed their presence. Which makes me regret not spending time there soon, but then again, I don’t know if things would’ve turned out the same way if I did.

This professor convinced me to become an Art major (in addition to my Computer Science one). At the time I was also having trouble in Calculus. Math isn’t my strong suit, and I couldn’t imagine taking more classes to fulfill the B.S. CS requirements. I had an epiphany. I can do both majors and pursue a B.A. instead. My mom hated the idea and told me to ask my sister for advice. My sister told me to do whatever I wanted to do. So I did. The last 2 years of college were so much better than what I pictured them to be if I didn’t change my mind. Although, it’s funny to think that I was initially scared to become an art major because of our senior thesis, and it’s ironic because I won the Senior Thesis award for my class.

Relationships

Again, I was naïve and tried to push myself to become someone I wasn’t. I went to PAHS instead of a feeder high school in my area because I wanted to become more outgoing and become a different person. That didn’t work. I developed somewhat in high school so I thought of doing the same thing in college. Instead of applying to popular state schools like VT or UVA, I decided to apply to WLU. And… the same thing happened. Well, I was already at a disadvantage since everyone on my hall knew everyone else thanks to pre-orientation trips that I did not go on because I was in the Philippines.

It was a failure on my part for not coming to terms with who I am. But then again, I did. I knew I socialize poorly with others and that I don’t like interacting with new people because of how socially awkward I am. I think I’ve gotten better since then, though. I really love the group of friends I made now. They truly are gems and I’m grateful to have them in my life.

Thanks to all of them, I’ve grown so much.

Love

I had a boyfriend during this time and we were (still are) in a long distance relationship with each other. I think we’d been dating for two years at that point.

When I was a freshman I really considered suicide because I was thinking too much of what other people wanted from me. The pressure to be what they wanted and for me to reject what I wanted was unfair. This sounds horrible, but my solution to this was to invalidate what I was feeling and move on. It wasn’t the best plan, but it worked. I wish I left more space for my mental health or had better outlets to relieve my feelings. I didn’t feel comfortable unloading all of this to my new friends, but luckily my boyfriend was there for me and listened. I don’t think I wanted a solution anyway, I just wanted someone to listen to me. 

Of course, it would have been nice to date on campus and become a “CC” (campus couple, a term I learned from the many K-dramas I watched during freshman year). So it was sad for me to not be able to experience that. I don’t think I would’ve been able to find someone as understanding as my boyfriend, due to our cultural background/language, and generally because we had known each other for a while already.

It would be disingenuous for me to only paint the happy times (not that it’s necessary to air out dirty laundry), but we had our fair share of troubles. Freshman year was hard just because it was a new territory for both of us. We’ve gotten better at communicating our feelings, so the experience helped in that regard. Neither of us are keen on disconnecting from the conversation when things don’t go the way we want, so we talk it out until it’s solved. We were both scared and didn’t know what would happen, and LDR is a scary concept in general.

Where am I going from now (As of September 2021)?

I’m turning 24 now, so it’s only been 5 years since then. One of the things I say to myself now is, “You’re only living this one life and you’re going to spend it worrying about what other people think of you and what they want from you? No. Exist how you want to exist.” The space you take up matters but how you take it up matters just as much.

I had to repress a lot of forms of self-expression while growing up, so I’m still trying to find out who I am. I’ve been exploring hair dyeing and fashion. Makeup is still in the works though. My room decor and furniture definitely needs an upgrade, but that’s the least of my concerns right now.

Professionally, I have been exploring marketing, social media, and content creation. I am not looking for programming jobs because I realized that it’s not for me. I prefer working on creative activities and excel in content creation, but believe my design skills are subpar, so I have been working on that. Surprisingly, I have been doing a lot more art than I thought and have received a few commissions over the past year.

I would like to include a photo gallery in this post, but would also like to keep those private. If I change my mind, I’ll insert them below.